Being one has never bothered me…but clearly my marital status is of great concern to people who really should know better. Perfect strangers and distant relatives all seem to think my private life is fair game. They labour under the misapprehension that being unencumbered must mean a) I’m deviant in some way or b) I’ve missed out or c) I don’t mind intrusive personal questions. Wrong on all three counts.
Them: Why aren’t you married?
At this point I have three possible responses depending on how riled I am, or how stupid they are…
Response #1: Because I forgot!
Response #2: Because George Clooney was unavailable last week!
Response #3: Because in my spare time I sacrifice babies to the turnip god and shag elephants!
Or my other personal favourite…
Them: Is it Mrs or Miss?
Me: Actually, it’s ‘Ms’. There is no Mr B.
Them:…Oh…Are you a feminist?
For the record, ignoramus, ‘ms’ is the French abbreviation for Mademoiselle! It’s a bit more chic than ‘miss’. As a woman in my prime, ‘miss’ just seems a bit juvenile. Frankly I’m fed up answering rude questions about my love-life and deflecting wrongful assumptions about my sexuality, simply because I’m a modern gal.
This is annoying enough, but being one means you also have to deal with the unwelcome advances of neanderthal man. You know, the type that frequents the end of the bar and spends his time wondering how women can resist his bald head and oversize beer belly as he wobbles to the slot machine.
This was the conversation on a recent night out with friends at our local…
N-Man: Hi baby, wanna drink with me?
Me: The last person who called me baby left with his balls in a bag. I don’t think so.
N-Man: Wassa matter, don’t you like me?
Me: No, you are ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
N-Man: Awww…come on, have a drink with me?
Me: No thanks, I’m not your type.
N-Man: Are you sure?
Me: Yes, I’m not inflatable!
And for the record, the distinguished chap who sent over a bottle of bubbly was the guy who scored the hit that night. Stupidity will never win fair maid, but champagne always might!