D is for…Damned Lies.. (and Statistics)…

OK, picture the scene…young nubile TV couple engaging in pillow play.  Yes readers, I mean pillow play. This is before the 9 pm watershed in the UK!  Suddenly, the voice-over says: ’77 per cent of women feel sexier when their underarms look good!’  Cue really loud guffaw from me.  Oh my god, how on earth did I even manage to exist before that statistic came into being!!!

Well, I don’t know about you, but that is total rubbish.  Every woman knows that it’s not deodorant or happy underarms that make you feel sexy… it’s far more likely to be the feral smell of a man’s armpits and the way they envelop you.  And frankly, when you have got to that stage in the pillow play…take it from me…if he can find the G-spot, I think you are grateful if he also knows where your underarms might be!

In these recessionary times, I’m still amazed at how much guff advertising there is on TV. Misleading pseudo-science masquerading as fact.  UK women all know who Nadine Baggot (aka Beauty Editor) is! Ha bloody ha! And by the way, the sample size of the previous statistic was around 2,000 – less than 0.00064 per cent of the 31 million women in the UK.  Not exactly significant from a statistical perspective!

Like most girls, I find fashion and beauty fun – Yes…Grazia magazine is one of my guilty pleasures along with the Economist and  90% Lindt Dark Chocolate Bars!  Still, I find it really offensive that the advertising industry, which is still mostly run by middle aged men, think that female consumers are gullible twits that will purchase any old crap as long as there are ‘statistics’ to back it up…

So here are a few of my own…based on personal empirical observations, of course! 

  • Chances of winning the UK lottery…Low. Approximately 54 -1 that you will win a prize, albeit not the millions.  For that you need a 1 in 13,983,816 chance.  That and the Gods smiling on you, instead of the usual smiting!
  • Realistic possibility that the £150 wrinkle cream you’ve bought will make you look younger without the need for botox or dermal fillers…Low – Medium. Depends on the Botox!
  • Statistical probability that the day you don’t shave your legs is the day you pull…Medium – High!  Seriously, this happens a lot.  Which is why I probably remain single because the shame of slightly unshaven legs prevents the lips locking in the first instance…
  •  Likelihood that the a$$hole in the white van, who is driving across both lanes of the M20 while gesticulating and speaking on his mobile phone is a) white b) middle aged and c) votes for the BNP…High! Chances he will get to see how many fingers I am holding up as I whizz by at 90 mph…Very high!

Ogilvy, the advertising genius who quipped – ‘the consumer is not a moron, she is your wife’ is often quoted.  But many of today’s admen leave out the rider which is…‘You insult her intelligence if you assume that a mere slogan and a few vapid adjectives will persuade her to buy anything’.  I wonder what he would make of the 100 per cent of women who find the ad from the agency which bears his name just as insulting.